love found, love lost

how do i find the w0rds?

2009-08-21T12:53:00.001-07:00

Swerte ni misis,nagkandarapa ang mister umuwi ng pinas dahil manganganak na sya.hay,the joys of married life..

Kahit kailan hndi mo maiintindihan ang nararamdaman ko.kung gano kasakit ang mga nangyayari.i dnt kn0w y i felt cheated.bakit gan0n evrytime u make me so happy,nasusundan ng masasaktan ako ng sobra sobra.ganito nlng ba iikot ang buhay ko?im sori if i cant understand..n0t n0w that im hurting.

pagod na ako.

2009-06-24T09:06:00.001-07:00

malapit na ang 2nd anniversary natin pero gan0n pa rin. u dont trust me, ur always doubtful as if im doing s0mething behind ur back and u never believe me.

Hindi pa ba enuf for u na nagka-baby tau?hindi pa ba sapat ung mga giniv-up ko just so i can stay with u?yes,i made a mistake before. past na un e,sobrang pinagsisihan ko na. kulang pa ba?

sorry im n0t PERFECT!

the $64,000,000 question

2009-06-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

may natanggap akong comment galing sa isang kaibigan. pano ko kaya sasagutin ung tanong nya na,"happily married na ba kayo?"
sabihin ko kaya,"ha?ah eh sya lang ung happily married!"

bwahaha! di kaya sila maloka? ang saya-saya!

as i lay on my bed...

2009-06-20T08:18:00.001-07:00

hmmm...wala lang. contemplating what my life would be in the future..habangbuhay na talaga akong miss young. mejo mahirap pa rin sa loob na never na maa-upgrade ung status ko.i will only be the mother but never the wife..di ko tuloy maiwasang mainggit sa kanila..galing na nga ako sa broken family tapos ung meron ako di ko din matawag na akin.hay malungkot kasi ang mag-isa..lagi nlang emote mode.

ang pagbabalik

2009-06-04T17:40:00.001-07:00

confirmed na ticket ko pa-hk. medyo kabado dahil sa virus at first time din na kasama ko si baby alec pero hoping na walang maging hassle sa byahe.

hk kamusta ka na?

im nobody.

2009-05-31T03:43:00.000-07:00

Cguro kaya di ako nakapag-asawa dahil puro failed ang mga relationships ko.sinusubukan ko naman ibigay lahat pero lagi nlang may kulang.sabi nga ng isa buti nlang at di ako ang naging asawa nya kc lagi daw kaming mag-aaway.pakiramdam ko wala akong kwentang tao.i kept on making mistakes.my life is a rollercoaster.

happy!

2009-05-29T04:03:00.001-07:00

dumating na kanina ang passports namin ni alec. yehey, ang gwapo ng bebiko-ang aking munting binata!

di ko pa naibalita sa daddy nya kasi di pa tumatawag buong hapon. kaninang umaga naka 3 calls sya (salisi daw).

i also have to discuss kung dapat ba kami tumuloy sa hkg this c0ming july. worried ako re AH1N1 VIRUS. iniisip ko ang bebiko. i dont want to risk my son's health. sana matapos na ito so0n.

maling akala

2009-05-28T03:34:00.000-07:00

uy may nagmiskol. kala ko sya na, kala ko naalala na nya ko. pota,di pala. ewan kung sino un.

what an irony. kung kelan nasa pinas tska di nagparamdam.

nakakatampo naman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
nakaramdam ata. tumawag kasi sya mga 15mins. lang after ko mapost ito. nangumusta lang naman, medyo awkward nga e. ay ewan ayoko na magsalita . ayoko maramdaman tong feeling na to. erase erase erase!

girlfriend pala ng kapatid ko ang nagmimiskol sa akin. ang engot, patay ang 2 cp's di tuloy mapakali ang lola.

gosh.

mps.

2009-05-26T18:24:00.001-07:00

Bakit ako hanggang airport lang?
*sniff*
at least next time i travel kasama ko na si alec.then i wont be alone anym0re.

my two cents..

2009-05-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

kung hindi ko pwedeng kantahin ang isang awitin,papakinggan ko na lang habang kinakanta ito ng iba..

in another lifetime..

2009-05-23T09:14:00.001-07:00

kung hindi man kalabisan...

in an0ther lifetime
it would be forever
in an0ther world
where you and i
could be together

in an0ther set of chances
i'd take the ones i'd missed
and make you mine

if only for a time
my life would matter
in an0ther life

and i'd stay as str0ng
and i'd stay as true
and you'll have forever
n0w to think it through
coz i do believe what wasn't meant to be
wasn't meant for n0w
and s0meday you'll see
in a place and time we never kn0w
i'd be standing there waiting for you
you would be mine

but until that time
is n0w
i'd be holding on s0mehow.

i love you always and forever.

sana...sana...sana...

2009-05-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

Sana iappreciate ung effort ko imbes na hanapan ng mali ang mga kinikilos ko..

Congrats!

2009-05-02T01:46:00.000-07:00

Im glad ur happy.ayaw mo pa ishare saken but ok lang...
daya mo naman sbi ko atin lang ung m0mmy at daddy db?pati ba naman dun pareho din.
*tampo*

dahil mahal kita...

2009-04-20T09:41:00.001-07:00

masaya kaming nagkukuwentuhan tungkol kay baby alec ng aking kapatid, ng nabigla ako sa tanong nya sa akin. "hindi ka na ba talaga hahanap ng lalakeng para sayo? tatanda kang mag-isa." binigyan ko sya ng isang ngiting alam ko na hindi umabot sa aking mga labi sabay sagot, "aalagaan naman ako ng anak ko." hindi sya natuwa sa sinabi ko dahil ngumiti lang sya at umiling na parang di makapaniwala sa sinasabi ko.

alam ko nagtataka sila bakit ako pumayag sa ganito, na maging pangalawa lamang sa buhay ng lalakeng mahal ko. kilala kasi nila na masyadong mapagmahal ang ate nila, na dapat lagi kong kasama ang isang taong mahal ko, na gagawin ko ang kahit anong makakaya ko maipaglaban lamang ang kaligayahan ko. pero aminado ako this time- this is the one battle i stand to lose. dahil bago ako dumating sa buhay nya, nakapili na sya ng makakasama habang-buhay. and because i love him to death, i settled for second best.

mahirap pala na bukod sayo, may isang bata na naaapektuhan sa mga nangyayari. dati ang tapang tapang ko. pero ngaun nasasaktan ako pag naiisip ko kapakanan ng anak ko. hindi ko alam kunp magiging sapat ang tawag sa telepono, ang isa o dalawang beses kada taon na pagbisita para makilala nya ang daddy nya.

sa darating na july ay bibisita kami sa hongkong. pinapanalangin ko na maging masaya at memorable ang pangalawang beses na pagkikita ng mag-ama. greatest fear ko lang cguro e,ung maramdaman ko na hindi sya enjoy kasama kami, un bang may iba syang iniisip o di kaya baka makaramdam ng guilt dahil maalala nya ang wife- just like what i felt before. at nainis pa ko kanina dahil pinagsabihan nya ko na baka may kitain akong kafriendster sa hk pagpunta dun. tama ba un? sabi ko kung yan lang ang iniisip mo,mabuti pa wag na kami tumuloy.

Hayy,not easy being a mistress. basta nauna ako sa tawagan na mommy at daddy. magtatampo ako kung gagayahin un.

'nuff said...

hear me...

2009-04-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

im spending my time
watching the days go by
hoping that u are missing me too...

coz the nights are getting longer
when will u be home?
what am i to do
now that im too far from u...

para sayo...

2009-03-28T10:21:00.001-07:00

it's 1.03am but i'm still awake. siguro tulog ka na at naghihilik pa. ako eto naaalala ka. siguro kung magkasama pa tayo, nagmi-midnight snack na tau ngaun - uber greasy chow mein o di kaya ice cream na binili natin sa 7-11 sa may kanto. takaw natin noh? pero ngaun di ka na pwede sa midnight snack kc nagagalit asawa mo. on diet ka na since then,panindigan mo yan ha! at least wala na ako jan to distract you. may nag-aayos na ng bahay at buhay mo. gusto ko lang malaman mo na namimiss kita. kahit araw2 tau nag-uusap. miss na kitang yakapin at kulitin.

sleep well. i love you.

ang galing ng bebi ko!

2009-03-28T09:56:00.001-07:00

he'll be four months old this coming april 4. nong mga nakaraang araw napapansin ko na na sinusubukan nyang tumagilid on his own pero dahil malusog sya he needed a little push from mommy so that he can turn over. araw araw nakikita ko nagpapraktis sya tumaob hehe! guess what, kaninang hapon iniwan ko sya saglit sa bed to grab a drink sa ref,pagbalik ko nagulat ako kasi nakadapa na sya on his own! i was so happy and proud of our little boy. i wish andito ang daddy nya para makita nya ang paglaki ni baby. sad to say,he has to make do with pics and videos i send to him regularly. minsan i dont know who to feel sorry for - me or him.

me dahil hindi ako ang asawa or is it him seeing his 'panganay' grow up in a distance?

a secret?

2009-03-26T07:17:00.001-07:00

there's something that i found out accidentally. someone's not telling me but my female instinct is screaming at me. i don't want to know, i want to pretend i don't know because i prayed hard not to let this happen so soon. i feel like it robbed me of the small amount of happiness that i am desperately clutching inside my heart. this is the reason why i feel sorry for my baby. he will never have a normal family while other kids will grow up with a mom and dad.

Starting a new life..

2009-03-15T09:09:00.001-07:00

Wow i cant believe its been a year and one month since my last post. so many things happened since then. i remember my last post was feb.8,the day of his wedding. parang napakatagal na panahon na ang lumipas.. well, i got pregnant shortly after he came back to hk,i quit my job and went home in my 5th month fast forward dec.10 i gave birth to our baby boy ALEC GABRIEL DELA CRUZ. he came here last jan.for the baby's baptismal and stayed for 3days only. narealize ko lang mas ok ma malayo kami kc i wont have to deal with watching or hearing him talk on the f0n with the wife. minsan kc kahit sabihing dapat sanay ka na,wala tinatamaan ka pa rin. ganyan talaga mahal ko sya e. thank God i have my baby kahit di kami magkasama ng daddy,at least masaya ang mommy. the thing is you just have to deal with bouts of frustration, envy and insecurity paminsan minsan. tibay lang ng luob.. mahal na mahal ko ang mag-ama ko. nagpapasalamat ako sa araw2 na pagtawag nya asking how's the baby and we talk a lot. hopefully going strong pa rin kami..

is it written in the stars?

2008-02-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

im bluer than blue, sadder than sad.ur the only light this empty room has ever had.life without you is gonna be bluer than blue...

i've been gone too long i dont know how to start writing again!its been like 5 months?time surely flies fast if one is so into something yeah?well you know what,that 5 months was all i have.now im alone and lonely,i dont even smile anymore.heck, i dont see any reason to be happy,not till he comes back to me.ill drown myself to all those stupid love songs that i keep listening to again and again.im so weak without him.i fervently hope God will grant our wish of one day having Alexia.daddy will be so proud of you anak..

another sleepless night

2007-09-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

hi blog,.. its 3.26am here and i cant sleep..i've been staring at his face endlessly. i cant stop these tears from falling..why do all good things come to an end? it breaks my heart hearing him say na nahihirapan siya, di ko rin naman alam gagawin ko..i cant justify my actions coz i know people will say na mali ang lahat. the only thing that's right, yong love namin for each other. they cant take that away from us, not now, not ever. yeah, it hurts to know that he will never be mine. i already said that a couple of times, but still nasasaktan pa rin ako each and everytime. kahit pa gano ko sabihing i'll be ready for the things to come..i feel awkward pag kasama namin mga friends, im not sure if they know something and because they're good people kaya wala akong narinig sa kanila...damn, ang hirap itago ang pagmamahal mo sa isang tao, ke dapat o hindi man syang mahalin. i asked him this last night " would it be better if i just walk away from you? " he said, no. but ano nga ba ang mangyayari if i stay? all i know is masaya akong nakakasama ko siya kahit dito lang. im not ready to let go, dont know if i will ever be...he knows that coz i die a little each time napag uusapan namin about that. my eyes are sobrang namamaga na coz of crying non-stop. selfish ba ako? sometimes, i get angry at myself.dapat alam ko kung saan ako lulugar pero minsan iniisip kong his attention should be on me, mali di ba? kaya nga inaaway ko sarili ko eh.uwi na lang kaya ako ng pinas? no, ayoko syang iwan dito. i wanna be here for him, dito i can take care of him. thats my happiness, yong mapagsilbihan ko sya. just to let him know how much i appreciate him coming to my life, despite the odds..

i love you daddy.

gotta go, sleep na daw kami.

harry love hermione

2007-08-24T01:17:00.000-07:00

hi blog... look what i got, hh avatar. cool huh? both of us are huge fans of harry/hermione loveteam. know why? coz they never ended up together.in a way parang ganon kaming dalawa. we would always be loving each other although time will come babalik na sya sa mundo nya and me, he's my world and yes i wished he was mine....going back, yeah i know hermione was always meant for ronald weasley but hey, pagbigyan nyo na ako sa kahibangan ko. if i could have my way, she will end up with harry and they will live happily ever after.so much for that...

i wasnt able to go online yesterday coz i was super antok and medyo pagod, halos buong araw akong nakatulog hehehe! well as you all know, anniversary namin ng daddy ko, syempre di pwedeng di kami magkita di ba? i missed him so much eventhough its only 3 days since we last saw each other. i wish you could read his blog when he talked about the moments, the special moments we shared. i never imagined something this good will ever come to my life. know what it feels like when somebody talks about how much he cares for you, that someone always remembers you, someone loves you? priceless....that's how i feel with him.

ganda pa ng araw ko kahapon kasi nagpunta sya dito sa hang hau just to have lunch with me, kahit na ba sa fairwood lang kami kumain feeling ko ang haba haba ng hair ko, umabot ata hanggang wanchai, hehehe!!! i had to get back home after an hour at kailangan na rin nyang bumalik sa office so ayon hinatid ko sya sa MTR station and after ng mga kisses, umalis na sya. hay, life is good.

last night we talked on the phone till 5 am, wheww! nabanggit nyang nanaginip sya yesterday morning. nakaidlip pala sya uli after i left and he didnt remembered it until we talked on the phone. i was speechless for a while when i heard what it was about, di ko akalain ganon na pala kalalim ang connection namin sa isat isa. that even in his subconscious mind,i was there somewhere.. it was a happy moment, di ba daddy? u know i smiled a lot after that kahit di mo nakita...

and last night, we finally picked our song.. well he was kinda singing to me coz i was quiet. and then he just blurted out "there i was ,an empty piece of a shell..." i was sooo in love with the lyrics at ang ganda talaga ng kanta kaya i asked him if it can be our song.

what more could a girl ask for? nothing else except that tomorrow i will wake up and ur still lying beside me...

daddy, your love inspires me..everyday there's something new, something that makes me love you even more and makes me look forward to the days ahead with you.. if only the world knows about you and me, i will be so proud to be your mommy. eventhough, masaya pa rin ako kahit na dito lang kita sa blog ko naise share sa mundo.

When I met you

There I was, an empty piece of a shell,
Just minding my own world;
Without even knowin' what love and life were all about
Then you came,
You brought me out of the shell;
You gave the world to me
And before I knew, there I was so in love with you

You gave me a reason for my being
And I love what I'm feelin'
You gave me a meaning to my life
Yes, I've gone beyond existing
And it all began when I met you

I love the touch of your hair
And when I look in your eyes
I just know, I know I'm on to something good
And I'm sure, my love for you will endure
Your love will light up my world;
And take all my cares away
With the aching part of me

You gave me a reason for my being
And I love what I'm feelin'
You gave me a meaning to my life
Yes, I've gone beyond existing
And it all began when I met you

You taught me how to love
You showed me how tomorrow and today
My life is diff'rent from the yesterday
And you, you taught me how to love
And darling I will always cherish you today
Tomorrow and forever

And I'm sure when evening comes around
I know we'll be making love like never before
My love, who could ask for more

You gave me a reason for my being
And I love what I'm feelin'
You gave me a meaning to my life
Yes, I've gone beyond existing
And it all began when I met you

is it okay if i call you mine?

2007-08-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

today is the 22nd of august..a very special day for us. first year anniversary namin ng daddy ko..hep hep wait,i know what you're thinking. we met a month ago right? before you think of me as silly, hear me out..

yesterday we chatted and talked about the usual stuff. nag emote mode na naman ako so i said something like, "i want us to say happy anniversay everytime magcelebrate tayo ng mothsaries natin. why? coz i can never be sure hanggang kelan kita makakasama and someday when we're not together anymore, masabi ko kahit sa sarili ko lang na i've been with the love of my life for 4 years kahit na 4 months lang- sad:("

kausap ko pa sya kagabi after he came home from work. ayon chika chika, the usual hows-your-day, kwentuhan.. well i remember telling myself to greet him first but i was thinking like, it's too early mamaya na..stupid of me talaga! i should've greeted him in advance na lang. ayan tuloy, i was talking about something and it slipped my mind.. damn, my friggin' brain let me down again. of all the times kagabi pa. shit, i tried to make an excuse but hey, di ka makalusot don. i ended up mumbling again, he said it's okai( again )

funny thing is, pareho din sila ng date ng anniversary ng gf nya. ( ouch, here i go again. why do i always talk about things that feels like i just stabbed my self in the heart? ) well that's true..exactly a month ago, he told me this thing. first day pa lang ha, nag iyakan na kami.. he admitted that he have someone in his life and ayaw nyang maging unfair saken at ayaw nyang masaktan ako. iyak ako ng iyak nun, i said nasasaktan ako kasi nakilala kita but now i have to let you go coz u cant love me. nasasaktan ako coz i thought hey, this guy is wonderful. there's something between us and maybe he's the one for me. i was so thankful at naging honest sya, he warned me not to fall in love with him. ( too late sweetheart, already am ) you know what made me love him even more? he confessed that day is their anniv and yeah, the whole day he was with me, i think it slipped his mind eventhough naka alarm yon sa phone nya. he said he was torn between his feelings, he wished he could reciprocate what i feel for him, said sorry coz he can't.. after i cried a river of tears, i calmed down, we talked about things like yeah, we can be good friends, maybe even bestfriends ( yeah right, lokohin mo ang sarili mo kristina! ) that day was so special and unforgettable, andaming moments to treasure. he sang to me, i cried, he wiped my tears and told me i am beautiful.. asan ka pa, i turned to jelly, grabe! hey hindi sya mambobola ha! i beg to disagree. he's the most caring person na nakilala ko. and true that he's one of the few good men left. too bad he's engaged. shucks! so much for my crappy lovelife. you meet him but you dont get to keep him forever. ahhhhhh!! where's the justice in this world? but still grateful ako, always will be coz i met him...and im happier than i will ever be coz now he can tell me he loves me..what more could i possibly want? nada.

well going back to my story kanina, ayon nga we were talking sa phone, then at about 11.53pm nagring ang mobile fon nya. ahem, he said he'll call me back later. after like, 20 mins. tumawag sya and asked me kung mei nakalimutan ba akong sabihin sa kanya. i said, meron ba? i checked my fon, saw the time ( 12.21am ) and calmly said, "daddy im 21 mins. late" plus i felt awkward coz you know na, they just talked and well, i cant find the right words to say eh. natahimik din sya, i said sorry..i asked him if there's anything i can do to make it up to him... maybe a visit later will do? sadly, di ako nakapunta kanina coz it was so late na. i called him at about past 2 am, sya na nagsabi na wag na ko pumunta so i said goodnight and i will come tommorow night. medyo sad coz i didnt get a kiss goodnight, baka antok na sya kaya di rin nagtagal yong usap namin...hayyyyyy..............
*the world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this isn't gonna work out between us, but i'm armed with one reason it will.

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world" - love this, too bad i cant be his world..

if only for today, i am unafraid

2007-08-18T05:07:00.000-07:00

ahem, eto na naman ako contemplating what to write here in my blog. so many things have happened since the last 'episode' namin.. well for once, we're back in each other's arms, happy as we can ever be and lost in our little world. scary, coz i feel i'm on the top of the world right now and what will happen if it's time for him to leave? i really don't wanna start blabbering here about that,he will read this right after i post it and i'm sure i'll be under the hot seat again..whewww..ever heard of whirlwind romance? that's us..barely a month together yet felt like it's been forever.

i loved him from the start eventhough knowing that i can't be the 'one' for him.you wouldn't imagine how much i cried right from our first day together till just last night. i was with him the whole day yesterday..

we woke up late, around 10.40am, i cooked breakfast and we ate, he took a shower while i ironed his long sleeved shirt and my own clothes to wear that day. we watched simpson's at the IFC mall at around 2 pm, went to St. Joseph's Church to hear mass at 4pm, then he brought me to the Peak afterwards. it was foggy and we couldn't see the city from up the viewing terrace so we went down early to eat dinner. he said he wanted to take me to eat at this posh resto called Cafe Deco located inside Peak Galleria, he's been there before and he wants me to try the baby back ribs. well it was actually very good, i loved it plus the french fries but the mixed salad was too sour for my taste. ah, the pasta carbonnara was delicious as well.. it was so romantic kasi candlelit dinner, he made true his promise to me that he will make me feel special and our every moment together as well. wow just looking at him makes me cry each and everytime.

i'm so happy coz sa kanya ko naranasan how to be treated like a princess. he always asks me if napapasaya nya ako, i say yes but i hope he knows what i feel is beyond words to explain. yes, she is so lucky to have him. so damn lucky...but guess what? i am lucky too, bcoz if only for a while naranasan ko what it felt like to be with him, ang swerte ng gf nya kasi forever syang mamahalin ng mahal ko and it breaks my heart whenever i think of him getting married soon. ahhhhhh!!!!, i told him to stop singing all these sweet songs everytime we talk on the phone. i'm saving my tears for the time na wala na sya sa tabi ko and all i will have left are the memories of our time together, then i will cry my heart out. sad huh? i'm scared that i can't love another man again without comparing him to him. ang taas ng standard eh! i don't wanna think about that, i told him that as long as he can, i will stay with him kahit na wala na sya dito sa hongkong.kahit ba paminsan minsan lang ang dalaw,i can deal with that. know what he told me last night? he said that even if one day we have our own separate lives and i'm with someone else, he's scared to feel that he would still want to see me, not caring if i have a bf here. i don't think it will happen anytime soon pag wala na sya dito. i will hold on til i can, no matter what, no matter when...

daddy i hope you miss me if u dont see me anymore. i thank god for letting you into my life, for bringing colors to my world, for loving me despite of myself and all my shortcomings. you filled my life with happiness and love... thank you for teaching me how to be a better person, to be confident with who i am and to strive for success in everything that i do. i honestly don't know what will i do with my life after you go... you will forever hold a special place in my heart.

why does it feels like our hellos will be our goodbyes?

this one's for you

2007-08-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

i've been lying here & wide awake
till the night dies out and day 2 break
every minute seems like endless hours
when i'm with you

i miss your eyes,your smile and lovely face
i can't forget your sweet embrace
we both could share our endless dreams
if you were here

does'nt matter if i'm alone
i got a place i call my own
i don't care if you're away
cuz i know you'll be back
someday,someday....

i guess it's better if we were off that way
we'll find ourselves and come what may
if i could have one wish then i would beg
for you to stay

hear me cry

2007-08-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

afraid

2007-08-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

so there's this guy, and he's really caught my eye
but we were friends and i wanted to be his' somehow

but i'm afraid i will lose him
so sudden and fast , am i afraid to be with him?
i'm scared he won't catch if i fall

but i'm going to take a risk in doing so
in trusting him and i do know
that he may break my heart
but i've trusted him from the very start

i'm taking a chance because i'll never know
how absolutely perfect something may turn out..

collide

2007-08-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

The dawn is breaking... A light shining through... You're barely waking... And I'm tangled up in you. (yeah)
I'm open, you're closed. Where I'll follow you'll go. I worry I won't see your face Light up again.

Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills my mind, I somehow found you and I collide.
I'm quiet, you know, You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know, I'm always on your mind.

Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the stars refuse to shine. Out of the back you fall in time Somehow find you and I collide...
Don't stop here... I lost my place... I'm close behind...

Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills your mind You finally find, you and I collide. You finally find, you and I collide. You finally find, you and I collide.

http://monkycity.imeem.com/video/xJ3SMMPE/collide/

how can i not love you?

2007-08-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

here i am writing my first blog entry although it's not the best time for me. how can a person go through so much emotion in just a matter of one day? just yesterday i was so happy with my special someone (as much as i want to call him my bf,i can't coz he has a gf already). i spent four days of blissful heaven with him. twas the best days in my life, just having him near me, to be able to touch and kiss him. all along i knew i've fallen for him, from the very first time i've felt something. something worth to cherish, something worth remembering through the lonely days and cold nights, coz i knew that what we have will not last forever. i am only borrowing his time, maybe even his love..

just last night, he discovered something i kept from him. he said he was devastated,he's angry and was hurt by what i did. i can't blame him, i knew sooner or later he will found out about it but hinayaan ko lang. why you may ask? i dunno, maybe dahil alam kong mangyayari din ito in the near future, magkakalayo kami, he will leave me here.. i just cant bear that now. sa kanya na umiikot ang mundo ko ngayon. although i know this will be a short-lived affair, my heart is praying somehow he can stay longer with me.

now i dont know where i stand. i'm regretting what i did na nakasakit sa kanya. come to think of it, maybe subconsciously, my mind was thinking ' well you can try and choose after he's gone' but it's not easy. as i told him before,nothing compares to him. biruan, bolahan, lokohan, that's what i was thinking when i did that thing, never realizing it will hurt like hell. feels like i'm dying inside, i don't wanna see him walk away from me, i never want him to say goodbye, i don't know how to live my life if he decides not to see me anymore.

he's been good to me, he was honest, told me everything about his life, said maintindihan ko sana bakit hindi pwedeng maging kami, i thought i can handle this. no strings attached, i can even laugh watching Mr. Bean while he's on the phone with her. or did i? last night he held me while i cried, ever the gentleman. even when it's supposed to be him na nasaktan, ako ang umiyak. why? coz i can't bear the thought of losing someone like him. my heart is breaking hearing him say it's okay now and he's not angry with me. i'd rather him shout at me,tell me i'm stupid, slap me maybe. what the h*ll..i am so full of sh*t..i am so thankful that he let me in his flat last night, and that katabi ko pa rin syang natulog even just for a few hours. my heart felt at peace..

down to you

2007-08-05T22:16:00.001-07:00

The best part of being in love is when you just love a person and be happy about it. Even if that person can never be yours, even if you know that it can't last forever.That's the true essence of love. It's not about winning someone, it's not about owning a relationship, it's just about being happy because you know you've loved someone. It's about being guiltless because you know you didn't take away someone from anybody, you just love and love unselfishly.