how can i not love you?

here i am writing my first blog entry although it's not the best time for me. how can a person go through so much emotion in just a matter of one day? just yesterday i was so happy with my special someone (as much as i want to call him my bf,i can't coz he has a gf already). i spent four days of blissful heaven with him. twas the best days in my life, just having him near me, to be able to touch and kiss him. all along i knew i've fallen for him, from the very first time i've felt something. something worth to cherish, something worth remembering through the lonely days and cold nights, coz i knew that what we have will not last forever. i am only borrowing his time, maybe even his love..


just last night, he discovered something i kept from him. he said he was devastated,he's angry and was hurt by what i did. i can't blame him, i knew sooner or later he will found out about it but hinayaan ko lang. why you may ask? i dunno, maybe dahil alam kong mangyayari din ito in the near future, magkakalayo kami, he will leave me here.. i just cant bear that now. sa kanya na umiikot ang mundo ko ngayon. although i know this will be a short-lived affair, my heart is praying somehow he can stay longer with me.

now i dont know where i stand. i'm regretting what i did na nakasakit sa kanya. come to think of it, maybe subconsciously, my mind was thinking ' well you can try and choose after he's gone' but it's not easy. as i told him before,nothing compares to him. biruan, bolahan, lokohan, that's what i was thinking when i did that thing, never realizing it will hurt like hell. feels like i'm dying inside, i don't wanna see him walk away from me, i never want him to say goodbye, i don't know how to live my life if he decides not to see me anymore.



he's been good to me, he was honest, told me everything about his life, said maintindihan ko sana bakit hindi pwedeng maging kami, i thought i can handle this. no strings attached, i can even laugh watching Mr. Bean while he's on the phone with her. or did i? last night he held me while i cried, ever the gentleman. even when it's supposed to be him na nasaktan, ako ang umiyak. why? coz i can't bear the thought of losing someone like him. my heart is breaking hearing him say it's okay now and he's not angry with me. i'd rather him shout at me,tell me i'm stupid, slap me maybe. what the h*ll..i am so full of sh*t..i am so thankful that he let me in his flat last night, and that katabi ko pa rin syang natulog even just for a few hours. my heart felt at peace..